I have this blog thing. I forgot. Not really… it’s been on my to do list for the past few weeks… I just keep bumping back the due date. If it’s not one thing, it’s the other.
We are officially in our new house. It feels surreal… like we are still playing house instead of living it. For the first couple weeks we were tenacious homeowners… painting every night… staying up WAY too late… trying to make everything perfect. Then life caught up with us. We still have a laundry list of things to do but my guess is that will always be there. Now we are figuring out how to pace ourselves. I do want to paint the laundry room, chase’s room and lucas’ room soon though. We have some fun colors and ideas that I want to see come to fruition. Maybe next week.
The other big news is that Chase had surgery yesterday…. tonsils and adenoids removed. It sucked. I mean it was good and it was necessary and the surgery was a total success but it sucked. I went back with Chase and even though they warned me about the ‘excitement phase’, nothing prepares you for seeing your child fight and roll to get out from under a gas mask. Heart to stomach. But I sucked it up and went back to Adam. We waited until the doc came out to talk to us. Complete success and his tonsils were big… definitely needed to come out. We wait a few more minutes while he is waking up… then they come to get one of us. I went. He was having a rough time coming out of the ansethia… fighting and crying. They thought maybe I could help calm him down. Mom on the spot. I held him like I did when he was 6lbs 7oz. I felt so horrible… in essence I had chosen to do this to him. Please don’t misunderstand me here… I know without a shadow of a doubt that this was the right choice but it doesn’t negate the fact that as a parent I signed off on the doc putting my child in this much pain. No matter how right you are, it sucks a big one.
The first half hour out was rough… he didn’t want anything but to go home and to get the IV out. He kept calling it the glove and he kept stating how much he ‘hated’ it… a word we don’t normally say in our house but under the circumstances, he was free to use ;~) Oh and he also called it ‘stupid’… another banned word but allowed just this once.
Then, in the time it would take you to snap your fingers, he turned a corner… he wanted a popsicle and a snowball. Done! He slowly worked on the snowball while the popsicle melted a little. Then he ate a jello cup… then another popsicle… then another snowball… another popsicle… another jello cup… and another popsicle. 2 snowballs, 2 jello cups and 4 popsicles in 3 hours. My little champ.
Finally we were allowed to go home. He came home in good spirits and was eager to tell Bamma all about the stupid glove that he hated. I thought he was through the worst of it and that he beat the odds when it came to recovery. He willingly took medicine, he was chatty, he was happy… all things that I thought he wouldn’t be. Then the night came.
Hello reality.
He woke up at 10:15 in pain but when I tried to give him the medicine he flat out refused. Ever try reasoning with a 4 year old in severe throat pain? Not pleasant. Add in begging him to take a drink of water (or anything!) so that the pain doesn’t get worse… I felt as if I was torturing him. Sometimes being the grown up sucks.
Finally Adam and I convinced him to take the medicine… and after several tries, I got it all in. He hung out with us for a while but then wanted to go back to his bed. Thankfully he slept until 5:15 but when he woke up he was still anti-medicine and he was up for good. Another round of convince the 4 year old and again, we eventually won out.
The problem with the medicine… for all its good, it makes him feel horrible. I think it was really doing a number on his stomach because he didn’t even want water… even after the pain would have subsided. I decided to try straight tylenol for the next dose and see how he did. It made all the difference… he was more willing to drink and eat. It wasn’t easy but he didn’t put up as big a fight.
Just at the point that I was feeling like a total failure, the nurse called for a follow up. I told her everything and she reassured me that I was doing everything right and that even if I only got him to take a sip every hour, that was perfect. Keep trying and keep offering but I am doing good. That simple phone call meant the world to me. It’s extremely hard to be the one pushing your child to do exactly what they don’t want to do… especially when you did this to your kid. It’s physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting.
Then add in a 1 year old who has an intense desire to push every button. I’m surprised I am still in one piece.
The rest of the day was ok. Chase is much more sensitive but crying only makes things worse so I am constantly talking him off a ledge. I had a hard time dividing my time between him, Lucas and normal everyday things. Yeah, I know… the dishes and the laundry will wait…. malarky. The laundry did wait but dishes… well you need them to serve dinner on. Especially if you let them wait as long as I did. And dinner… yep, gotta feed people, not just the kid with the raw throat. And the toys that get pulled from one room to another… they have to get moved so that I don’t break a leg. The random stuff that comes from 3 people living in a space. Not to mention dealing with the state about bogus late charges – don’t get me started.
It was just a very long day. One in which I feel like a total failure. Sometimes I wonder if Chase likes me. I know he loves me but I challenge the fact that he likes me right now. I mean I know I am not here to be liked… and when it comes to grounding him for breaking a rule… I can handle that. But him not liking me for trying to take care of him… that’s a harder pill to swallow. Pardon the pun. I’m tired and I am crying so I should probably end this and go to sleep. The problem arises that I am afraid to go to sleep because I don’t know if and when Chase will wake me up. I hope and pray he sleeps through the night (for both of our healing) but that isn’t a guarantee.
It’s such a bizarre feeling… knowing you need sleep but being too scared to get it.
These are the days when I question God’s judgement on blessing me with 2 kids. Don’t get me wrong, I am amazed that He chose me to care for these beautiful boys but really God… me? The walking failure? Then tomorrow comes and one of them does something that reminds me why I put one foot in front of the other. And eventually I’ll have another day where I feel good about my parenting. Ebb and flow right?
You said it, Jessi, one foot in front of the other. When anxiety kicks in, accept that it’s there, and break it down into smaller, manageable pieces. Step one: fall asleep. Read a bit. Lie next to your husband and feel his warmth and calm (because I’m betting his more calm than you). If you have to wake up later, deal with that then. Next step…when it gets here. But for now, you’ve done everything “right”. Tomorrow is another day. Heck, tonight is another night! This, too, shall pass. And thankfully, he won’t remember most of it! Hugs and prayers to you/for you.
wow. you just wrote almost exactly what I went through with Luke, the only difference is that my experience was 5 years ago. Your emotions about not wanting to sleep (and I slept with him on our sofa bed for 2 nights b/c I didn’t want him to wake baby Abigail), about whether or not he even likes you right now. thanks for sharing, even though I’m quite sure it’s for no one but you, I appreciate it. *great big hugs* to you. I’ll be lifting you up in prayer.
You are an amazing mom and remember that God wouldn’t have given you those handsome boys if He didn’t KNOW you would do right by them.
oh and there are more days than not when I feel like a “walking failure”, but by the grace of God I push through and know that He is with me helping me to be a success.
You are a wonderful mother and you are doing a GREAT job! Keep your head up it will be better soon
Im here for you if you do need anything!