34

I’m the age my mom was when she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

how in the world did she deal with that? I was 7, her mother had just died and she was going through or had just gotten divorced. talk about a full plate.

what did she think when she looked at me? how did she survive and more than that, live through it? what did she do when she left the doctors office? who was her first phone call? did she cry?

looking at my wonderful husband and the 2 sweetest boys ever… the thought of leaving them…

I can’t finish the thought.

I’m 34. what if I have it? a sharp pain in my arm. a powerful headache. an unexplained stomach pain. what if I’m walking around with a ticking time bomb in me?

it may seem like I’m blowing it out of proportion but I know about metastatic cancer. I watched it hurt and ultimately kill my mom. her legs hurt, her arm hurt, it was on her skull and in the end, in her lungs. the lungs are what finally killed her. but it was all breast cancer. it was those cells spread throughout her body hurting her.

it’s like mom who is nurse and has a sick kid, they know too much.

I didn’t have these thoughts until this year. 34 is the magic number.

I talked with my doc… you know, that doc. he spoke like a friend… a friend with amazing empathy and knowledge. a friend free of judgement and full of time. not sure how he does that but he does.

I’m not crazy, he said so. it’s normal and I won’t feel like this forever… I might not even feel like this next year.

I’ll keep handing it over to God because I can’t do this on my own. every arm pain, every headache, every unexplained stomach pain… I’ll turn the fear and the anxiety over to God.

I won’t let it control me.

but I am looking forward to 35.

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One Response to 34

  1. Lori Giblin says:

    Hey Jess, thanks for sharing this. I’ve prayed for you before about this area of your life and will start again as I know it must be tough. I am thankful for your willingness to turn it over to our Lord and God who knows your days…that’s what I’ll pray for that you can keep turning it over, over and over again!
    A different story to maybe help: my grandmother died of a stroke when she was 54. My mom was newly married recently given birth to her first child a daughter who died at 3 weeks old (probably from cystic fibrosis but they didn’t know it at the time). My mom developed high blood pressure in her early 20′s so when I was little (my mom had me at 34 so probably she was in her early 40′s when my memory kicks in) she talked often about how her mother died when she was 54 and so my own mom would say, I don’t have many years left…I know I worried about that as a kid, teenager (there were other factors too because my younger brother died when he was 11 of cystic fibrosis when my mom was 47), and young adult. She talked about it when she was 54 (I was 20 in college) and then would say it often at other times…She’ll be 86 this month and I remember at her 80th birthday party talking to my cousin (my mom’s oldest brother’s son, whose dad lived to be 92!) that his dad said & thought similar things…
    Love you, miss your mom, remembering her battle – Lori

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