Probably for the best

Lucas woke up at 5:45… for the 8th day in a row.  Well to be perfectly honest some of those days he woke up at 5:15.  I never quite know what to do… get him up and go downstairs?  There is only so long he will accept that daddy and chase are still night night before he goes and screams up the stairs.  Or I could go in and rock him with the ridiculous hope that he will fall back asleep and I might get to close my eyes for 5 minutes before the day actually begins.  Or I could ignore him.  Well ignore isn’t the right word… more like listen to his wailing and fluctuate between feeling like I am doing the right thing and feeling like I am the worst mother ever.

The best thing about all 3 scenarios is that the husband manages to sleep through everything.  How is that and how can I acquire that gene?

Lucas also refused to nap.  And when I say refused I mean vocally and at a high volume.  This is the 3rd day in a row for the nap refusal.

This is all from a kid that a week ago I would have bragged ad nauseum about.  A few books, a quick song and cuddle, turn on the aquarium, situate tractor books and baby, get covered by a blanket and night night mama it was.  He was like clockwork.

Which is ironic because clockwork ruined him.  Stupid daylight savings time.  Extra hour my arse… I should calculate all the lost hours and throw that back in their face.  Anyone know who ‘they’ is?

And Chase has been awesome.  When he wants to be, he is the most awesome dynamic kid I know.  But when you make spinach lasagna for dinner, well… he crumples into a heap on the floor fake crying and moaning.  Thanks buddy, my hard work feels justified now.  That’s just one small example… the attitude, the talking back, the eye rolling.  Dear Lord I am not ready for the teenage years.

Oh… did I forget to mention the coffee grinder broke this morning.  Not after it ground the coffee which would have been MUCH more convenient… nope, before the grinding.  I doubt whole beans in a french press would have done the trick.  And don’t think I didn’t think about a baggie, some beans and a rolling pin… it crossed my mind.  So no coffee until I could get out of the house for the morning.  Normally I can’t work the microwave before coffee so you can imagine operating a car.

The day was rough… oddly productive but rough.  Constant yawning, trying everything I can not to snap at the kids just because I am tired (because of them mind you but that’s neither here nor there…), trying so very hard to focus my thought enough to have an intelligible conversation with my 5 year old.  Who… if we were in a competition, would have won today… hands down.

I even almost told him that today was the day that Nonna went to heaven.  I came so close but I just couldn’t have the conversation… not today.

Maybe I was supposed to be in this insane fog.  Maybe it helped deaden the pain a little.  If that’s the case then thank God because the pain I am in is intolerable… without the fog I might actually just lay down and die.

You would think after 8 years that pain lessens but it really doesn’t.  I don’t cry as often but when I do, it’s every bit as intense as watching her take her last breath.  I miss her terribly.

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2 Responses to Probably for the best

  1. Katie says:

    Oh, Jessi. Your entry brought tears to my eyes…and that was before I got to the part about your mom. Sending hugs to you and saying prayers for you tonight. May God’s peace dwell with you and yours tonight.

  2. Barbara says:

    Jess, I feel you. I really do. Henry has been gone 3 years and I replay his final breaths all the time. I don’t understand all the well meaning people who say that it gets easier with time and expect us to move on like we washed a load of laundry. True love is just that – true, pure and unforgettable. The pain you feel is a reminder that this person was important, necessary and adored. You are a part of Susan and you see her every time you look in the mirror or at the face of Chase. I knew your Mom in childhood and so much of who you are – your spirit, your determination and yes…your stubbornness are reminders that Sue was here. You are her continuence. Chase and Lucas will will pass through these times and I promise that all of you will survive. I can’t tell you how many times I was ready to put Bobby (my breath holder) in a permanent state of time out until he was 21 – and then one day I realized that although he tried every nerve in my body, he also possessed everything about Henry that I cherished. Hope I helped a little bit! And let all those feelings about Mom be present. You deserve them and SHE deserves them as well! God Bless!

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